Why You Get What You Pay For

So I went to see Hot Tub Time Machine because I won free tickets. It’s been claimed to be a mix of 'The Hangover' meets 'Back To The Future'. WRONG.

Back To the Future was clever and refreshing. Whatever you may (or may not) think of the Hangover it was at least witty and appealing. Both had structures and likeable relatable characters. Hot Tub made you frown at the gags, repulse at the unnecessary gore and bite your lower lip every time you heard a line quite clearly ripped off from another film or TV programme. Your face therefore becomes a monstrous knot of angst and misery at the genuine crapness of the film.

Ok so I hear you question 'Well what did you expect from a film called Hot Tub Time Machine?' Good point. Well I guess I expected cheese in the way Superbad ate the parmesan cheese and spat it back out as stilton, or I suppose I counted on seeing at least one witty line the way Anchorman provided, (which triggered a number of people to discuss how they love lamp). I expected to feel at least a tiny amount of pity for the guy (Lou) who tried to commit suicide but instead I suffered irritation and annoyance that he wasn’t buried six feet under because he’d be somewhat less bothersome as a a corpse. But most of all I expected the frickin hot tub ‘go-back-to-the-80s’ time machine to be cool. Like boast flashing lights and funky colours all bubbling together like a toilet flush when you pour Mateys bubble bath down whilst shining a retro disco light above it.

I like the 80s. Ok I like the British 80s as I don’t know much about the American 80s except during that time had similar fashion, and made awesome films like ET, Star Wars, Indian Jones and of course Back To The Future. This film should appeal to me and say ‘hey look how awesome the 80s are – leg warmers, human league and Michael Jackson’s black HA HA HA!’ but instead I’m thinking I’m bored, we still hear 80s music played on some radio stations, people still wear leg warmers (ahem, including myself) and there’s been enough jokes about Jackson’s death and speculation of paedophilia that the colour of his skin is a far outdated joke. As a fan of Ashes To Ashes, which reveals how just a few decades can change so much, I was disappointed to find that the Hot Tub appears to show that times haven’t changed that much due to the lack of anything in the 80s (except eager threats to communists) affecting the plot or story. The film could pretty much have been set in the 90s or even just a year ago for all the difference it would have made to the narrative. Meh.

The characters are also evidently appalling. All of them. Not one character did I find interesting, there were all stereotypical personas with no emotions unless it was convenient for them to show feelings for an event to occur. Example? Lou has never been anything more then a total jerk to his other mates. Yet they forgive him ‘because that’s what friends do’. Did he do anything to justify forgiveness? No. Did he accomplish or realise anything? No. The single thing he understood was that to avoid committing suicide he must stay in the 80s and use the knowledge of the future to make him rich and successful. Awesome. Oh yeah, and ‘I’m gonna be a good dad’. That was suppose to be the turn around, except it’s rushed, briefly said as an afterthought and we don’t believe it. Plus as the son Jacob will have no recollection of whether Lou was a good dad for the 20 years of his life it’s utterly pointless. Oh and Jacob’s mum, Lou’s wife, is still a sluttish two dimensional character, but this time with martinis and a boat. A big expensive boat. This makes me sick.

I must also rant about the film's ending. So everything's hanky bloody dory because Lou managed to makes his millions and be in his band ‘Motley Lou’ (for Motley Crew fans), Nick's wife no longer had an affair owing to the fact Nick called her in the 80s (when she was nine years old) and shouted abuse at her for cheating. Adam gets the girl he barely met but we assume was in love with in the 80s and Jacob...well Jacob still exists. But the BIG problem is, and this to me really bugged me as I left the cinema, with the exception of Lou the rest of the team don't actually remember the 20 years of their life that has changed. They have no memory of getting married, living in a wonderfully beautiful house or working at there dream job. I might be a big sissy girl now, but what's a life without the memories?!

And on a final note, I feel sorry for Larry Page and Sergey Brin, (the Google guys) as Lou, a slightly nicer (and I mean slightly) 'Biff' from Back To The Future gets there first in the Google (changed to Lougle) franchise. Maybe it's just me, but Lou never worked for anything and then he received all the credit for the work good clever people should have been recognized for and, well, I think that's just downright WRONG!

Alas, Hot Tub Time Machine is more of a lukewarm bubble bath, with the cheesy yet cool rubber ducky for comfort just out of reach.

2/5 – It’s alright to rent on DVD for a night in with a beer, but a cinema treat it is not with the lack of a laughing audience.